How To Stop Being Codependent.  It Isn't Helping Anyone, Especially Yourself

You're Not Crazy.  You're Codependent 

It's my turn for a first person story. A while ago I could never tell you how to stop being codependent. If I knew how, I would have fixed my own problem.  

On our home page we wrote about being accountable to people. Being accountable to ourselves is just as important. This story is part of what went into our brainstorming about core values. Being compassionately courageous is required in any edition attempting to tell folks how to stop being codependent.

I found out the hard way that codependency is not all that well understood. Most of the focus goes to people involved with alcoholics, drug users, or in physically abusive relationships. Those groups are included, but the list of codependent relationships and the depth of challenges is as wide-ranging as the symptoms.

I started to find my way out on my own and then came across a really good book that took me the rest of the way out. Part of this page will come from that book and a big part will be my own experience. It's no cliché' when I write that if I can do it, anyone reading this page can certainly do it. And I will tell you it is worth the work. The name of the book is "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie.

This is an excellent book that helps simplify what can be a daunting challenge.

Signs of Codependent Relationships

In our page about the four personality types, our co-editor used the pronoun "we" in part of the page. I'll do the same in this story. "We" are controllers when we are in codependent relationships. We don't know that at first. We feel like we're helping. "They" need our help. They can't make it without our help. They just don't recognize it.  At least that is what we tell ourselves. 

We are controlled by the person we are fixated on helping. Wait a minute! How can we be controlling and be controlled? Welcome to the confusing world of a codependent person. Outwardly we come across as strong, caring, and focused. Inwardly we are facing a constantly changing cycle of guilt because we are not doing enough, anger because what we do is not appreciated and then in a most crushing turn, made to feel victimized when we are blamed for the problems the other person or group is facing.

I didn't know it at the time, but found out later that I was living in the phenomenon that would be known as the Karpman Triangle. Sometimes we don't know what we don't know.  There are plenty of  good sources that describe the three parts of the triangle.  Some are trying to sell you something and some are very technical.  I debated adding a link, but in the end decided that I learned just as much and understood it much better from "Codependent No More."  That will be your personal call to make.  Here is some advice from that book.

"Can we change? Can we learn healthier behaviors? I don't know if mental. spiritual, and emotional health can be taught, but we can be inspired and encouraged. We can learn to do things differently. We can change. I think most people want to be healthy and live the best lives they can.

But many of us don't know it's okay to do things differently. Many of us don't even understand what we've been doing that hasn't been working. Most of us have been so busy responding to other people's problems that we haven't had time to identify, much less take care of, our own problems."

But I still needed a helping hand, and that same book offered a source.  We all need help from time to time. Those of us who are codependent are too often in denial of the problem and then we deny that we need some help. But it's out there for us. When we get past the pride and fear, we can find it. This help comes from people who have been where we are now.

There are a couple versions of the 12 step program for codependents. In this link you'll find a really good choice. You can take my pathway and deny the need for help and delay the beginning of recovery or you can be courageous and ask for help right now. 

We have constant, sometimes violent mood swings. We become obsessed with the target of our rescue or of the person or entity that hurt us. How could they do that after all I've done for them?

When asked how I was doing, my response was to jump right into everything that was wrong with my latest obsession and how I could fix it if they would just let me, but they aren't doing that, and I can't let them sink, so I have to try harder, because it must be my fault, but I'm so tired, and they don't care about me, but they can't do it without me.

That extreme example of a run-on sentence was meant to illustrate that any effort involving how to stop being codependent needs to center on answering that original question. "How are you doing?"  We forget about ourselves because we are wearing blinders that are focused on our latest rescue attempt.

In the next block I'll give you more signs of codependent relationships. This is just a very brief glimpse into this subject. The simple answer is if you've lost sight of how you are doing yourself, if you've become immersed in rescuing people who don't want to be recused yet or if you are stuck in reliving past hurts , long after the offending entity stopped even thinking about it, you are probably in some form of codependent situation. After you know the signs, you can fix the problem.

Feel responsible for someone else's well-being or lot in life

Spend all their time trying to please someone else and ignore their own needs

Feel angry, unappreciated, and used

Always drawn to people with problems who need "rescuing"

Say "yes" when they want to say "no" and do the work for people capable of doing it themselves

Take nearly everything personally

Feel ashamed of themselves or guilty even when they've done nothing wrong

Believe they aren't worthy of happiness

Are anxious and reactive to every setback or even the false impression of a possible setback (Our bodies go through the same stress when we imagine something bad that never happens)

Controlling and inflexible

Always exhausted because they obsess over people's problems

They wonder if they are going crazy (Think back to that sub headline)

Waver between overwhelmingly responsible for anything and then completely irresponsible with no warning signs

How To Stop Being Codependent

Let me give you an example of the biggest challenge I faced as a codependent person. I'd been through the personal codependent relationships. That's what we do. We keep repeating the same mistakes until we understand, finally what we are doing to ourselves and those around us who see it.  But they are smarter than us and don't allow themselves to get pulled down into that black hole.

We keep getting involved with compulsive people. It's like we are a magnet to them. If we get away from one, we dive right back into another controlling relationship in which we play both roles. We over-control and then feel victimized and are in turn controlled.

I grew up with the belief that a certain organization was of the highest importance and deserved respect at that same level. As I grew older and saw more of life, it became obvious that at the upper levels there was a certain selfishness, a clinging to power that bordered on dishonesty. But at the local levels, they tried to help poor people and those who couldn't help themselves. That was one of my biggest passions. When under control and not obsessive, this is a good thing.

There came a time when a person placed in an authoritative position within this certain organization decided it would be best kill an important effort that was having great success. We all knew this person was a compulsive liar, but when it happened and the way it came about, with a character attack and then a veiled cover-up, I did what "we" always do. I reacted. There is a difference between responding and reacting. The latter happens without clear thought. The triangle came right back at me. Guilt because it must have been something I unknowingly did, anger because it wasn't about me at all, and then feeling like a victim and wallowing in the self-pity. 

I had to break way. The technical term is detachment. This might seem so extreme, especially given the way we diminished our own self worth by doing things we didn't want to do because we needed to save this person or group. But we aren't disavowing the value of the other person. We aren't abandoning them, but we are recognizing that we also have value and our health also matters. Mental and physical health matter because they are tied together.

Knowledge is power and by this time I had learned some hard lessons. I knew I had to go through the five steps to completely detach. That's the thing when trying to know how to stop being codependent. We have to go through all the steps. We might change the order and sometimes we can get through all of them in a very short time. But we have to go through the steps.  

You might recognize these steps because they are also known as five steps in getting past grief. That makes sense because in some codependent relationships, grief is a constant companion. It's that way because we didn't know about getting through the steps. Now you do.

*Denial. We always hit this one. It can't possibly be happening this way. What more could I have done?

*Anger. I had the hardest time with this step. But it was the one that got me moving forward. I also broke the order.  Anger was my last step before acceptance.  Whatever works, right? 

*Bargaining.  What if we do it this way? Can we have one more chance? If I do this, will you reconsider?

*Depression. I've spent some time in this spot. I usually went here after bargaining but before anger.

*Acceptance. This is the target. When you successfully detach, and go through the other steps, you've arrived!

Sometimes we can't fix people. We still care for them. I learned that compassionate courage is all about detachment from draining relationships. I have to live in the present and look forward to the future. The past is over and reliving it is useless and disempowering. We can learn from it, but we don't re-live it. This is in my opinion, the most important lesson in how to stop being codependent.  

Here was a revelation that might help you with detachment. When I stopped "taking care of someone" to the point of obsession, that person would sometimes go through those steps, maybe unaware of doing so and figure things out themselves! Codependency hurts both sides of every relationship it controls.

I got to the point where that biggest hurt went away. I had detached from it completely. When people ask me how I'm doing, I am able to tell them without ever thinking about the old noise. I still have a ways to go, but I feel more effective in my passion for helping people who want help and in empowering them to help themselves.

It's a process and not always as easy one, but it's going in the right direction. It will work for you too. Recognize the signs of codependency, read "Codependent No More" and detach from relationships that are harmful. We are accountable to people and that includes ourselves.  I'll leave you with a little more wisdom from Melody Beattie.  

"I believe God wants us to help people and to share our time, talents, and money. But I also believe He wants us to give from a position of high self-esteem. I believe acts of kindness are not kind unless we feel good about ourselves, what we are doing, and the person we are doing it for.

I think God is in each of us and speaks to each of us. If we absolutely can't feel good about something we're doing, then we shouldn't do it-no matter how charitable it seems. We shouldn't do things for others that they ought to and are capable of doing for themselves. Other people aren't helpless. Neither are we."

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