Leaders Make Time To Learn How To Listen Better.  Are You In That Group?

“Listening is a magnetic and strange thing, a creative force. The friends who listen to us are the ones we move toward. When we are listened to, it creates us, makes us unfold and expand."  Karl A. Menniger

In this page we'll give you an easy-to-follow roadmap for strengthening every relationship in your life. It all begins with knowing how to listen better. If you read our page about the art of listening you have some of the basic concepts. We utilized a first person story from a member of our editorial room to demonstrate not only the benefits of active listening, but also how even the most reserved personality can develop the essential skill of becoming a better listener.

We'll also break out a specific type of skill that is so important to listening in today's environment. And we'll offer some advice from an expert. Every page on our website is designed to align with our core values, one of which is to simplify leadership development. There is a well-known structure titled "the four types of listening." We don't dispute the validity of this list. It is accurate and if someone was writing a term paper or a research project, this very technical list would fit just fine.

But in terms of simplifying leadership development and offering real-world usefulness, we believe there is a better option to help all of us with learning how to listen better. We'll share that with you in this page as well. So let's get started. As always, if you have some advice or questions, please share them.

How To Listen Better

You all probably know that our brains work faster than a person speaking. In complete candor, I will admit that there have been too many times when I didn't utilize this fact and spoke without thinking first. But it is true that when we are in front of a person speaking, our brains are computing much faster than that person can speak. One of the benefits of active listening is understanding this concept because it leads us into climbing the ladder in learning how to listen better.

Active listening is also linked to critical listening, but we believe critical listening belongs in it's own category especially in today's environment. We'll give you a clear picture of that a little farther down this page.

The most effective way to learn how to listen better is to understand the five levels of listening. We see this more human list as a perfect explanation of how to strengthen any relationship and the guide to simplifying leadership development.

So you know, that technical list of four types of listening includes the terms appreciative, empathetic, critical, and comprehensive. These are descriptive and one of those terms is in the list of Stephen Covey's five levels of listening. We agree with the concept of the former list, but know that personal terms reach more people and are easier to duplicate. And the five levels of listening we will comment on are common in most of us.

Human Examples of the Five Levels of Listening

These first two levels are perfect examples of the difference between listening and hearing. How many of us are guilty of this lowest level?

* Ignoring! Yes, we might be right in front of him, but we aren't paying attention to a thing he is saying. We don't want to be there and our body language is making that very clear. We might be looking around or checking the time. There is only one situation where this lowest level of listening is relevant. We'll explain in our section about critical listening.

* Pretend listening. We cover up our disinterest a little better at this level. We appear to be paying attention as she speaks. But as we wrote near the beginning, our minds compute much faster than any person can speak, so we tend to drift off mentally on to something else we would rather be doing. Then we miss key points that could have helped us and when we have to ask questions later, it becomes even more obvious that we might have been hearing, but we weren't listening.

* Selective listening. We're getting closer when we reach this level on the ladder leading us to how to listen better. We're picking up the parts of his conversation that really interest us. Our body language is good. But we are still not there because we missed some of the details and that will always lead to misunderstanding and loss of trust. In our page about the art of listening, we wrote about how trust is important in strengthening relationships with better communication skills.

* Attentive listening. This is the level where we believe active listening comes into play. To be proficient in that vital skill of critical listening in today's environment, we have to be active listeners. We are fully engaged in her as she talks to us. We are paying attention, we aren't distracted. We don't interrupt, nor do we let ourselves form opinions before she finishes her thoughts.

But we are often held back because we only relate to her in terms of our own personal experiences. Our editorial team has been stuck here. We've shared some of own personal struggles and getting to the next level took lots of work and patience. We are still a work in progress. This is a good level if good is the goal. But in terms of being accountable citizens of America, good is the enemy of best.

*Empathetic listening. The is the best level. This is the spot where simplifying leadership development is showcased. Here we not only listen with the intent to understand first, then to be understood, but we are stretched in our growth as leaders. This level takes much more energy and will power. We will be gaining perspective on another person's challenges and experiences.

When we succeed in reaching this highest level of listening, we will use the power of our brain as it calculates much faster than any person can speak. We won't fall into the trap of sympathy which is disempowering, but rather will empathize with them. In the next section we'll give some insight into traps that can be avoided as we learn how to listen better.

One of our editors is a visual learner so we've included a short video about the five levels of listening. You'll find it just below. Then we'll give you a few things to avoid and finish up with the importance of critical listening which while often considered the same as active listening is really a more focused, specific skill that has never been more important than in today's environment.

Making It Worse, Often With Good Intentions

At that lowest level when we ignore people, we make it very clear that we don't value their opinion. The only time using this level is applicable will be explained in the next section.

When we only hear selective parts or just pretend to listen, we fall into the trap of lecturing on "how they should feel" or worse, finding fault with their viewpoint, then tearing them down with negative rants in an effort to get what we want from them.

Sometimes we intend to help. Our page about codependent relationships has examples of that mindset. I can tell you first hand that they happen. Too often. I've done them all. I've given advice on how they should solve their problem when all they wanted was someone to listen to them. I've gone to the next step to fix the problem for them. This tells them they aren't capable themselves. You don't have to be in codependent relationships to fall into these traps.

Sympathy is not the same as empathy. Sympathy means we feel sorry for them and all the bad things they have experienced to the point that we lead them to wallow in self-pity and they give up on solving their own problems. When we empathize we validate their challenges and support them, but we don't stifle their ability to solve things themselves. We listen better to understand.

Rescuing is the older brother of sympathizing. This is the extreme version where we minimize their lack of accountability and foster the "not my fault" cry that is so prevalent in the entitlement mentality that is being encouraged by the political machines today. We don't need to help them in this area. We don't need to encourage a new generation to abdicate their responsibilities as accountable citizens in favor of the government taking care of them, or of us taking take of them by rescuing them.

We stand ready to help the most vulnerable, the segments of society that cannot help themselves. We learn how to listen better with the intent to understand and then we provide the tools and encouragement to the folks who are capable of helping themselves. Avoid these traps and then be well versed in the importance of critical listening. It has never been more important than now.

What is Critical Listening?

Critical listening is a hybrid that takes active listening to a new, specific level. It also adds in a few components. Critical listening is used when we are deciding if the pitch we're hearing is truthful or not.

Maybe you're at a seminar and are taking notes. Maybe you are face to face with someone and don't want to appear distracted, so your notes are mental. We still don't interrupt. We don't condemn or preach. We listen according to that top level to understand the other person.

But we pay extra attention to body language and to what they might not be saying. Critical listening in today's environment is vital. We've been sold a false bill of goods from politicians serving their financial masters for years and it is only getting worse. Critical listening will help us see through the façade and recognize the agenda of the person behind the curtain, pulling the puppet strings. Apologies for the mixed metaphors.

Critical listening involves taking in the spoken message and then lining it up with proven facts. If they line up, great, but if it's all about putting lipstick on a pig, we have to recognize that and reject their lies. We cannot depend on journalists to search out truth any longer. They have caved in to the money and are all about the ratings. Shock and fear sell better than truth.

Simple, scientific facts are now set aside in favor of extreme "what if" scenarios designed to stoke that fear and shock and replace calm listening with anger and shouting.

Listening in today's environment brings in the one time it is acceptable to ignore the person speaking. When he or she is determined to spread false information, to shout down questions and to antagonize anyone who disagrees, it's time to shut down the argument. They will only justify their position anyway.

It takes extra effort to learn how to listen better. It also takes extra effort to learn how to inspire people to believe in themselves and to become the best advocates for their families.

Being accountable citizens of America requires extra effort. To get us back on track toward taking responsibility for our actions and leaving the entitlement generation takes extra effort. Learning how to listen better opens up better communication.

Better communication helps our young people see through the lies being hoisted upon them and redirects them to the path of becoming leaders who leave things better than they found them.

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